Take a moment to walk in the shoes of a single person this holiday season – by Dating Coach Kimberly Koehler

Walk in the Shoes of a Single Person this Holiday Season

I wrote the below a year ago and posted it as a note on my personal Facebook page. I stumbled upon it today as I was embracing a nostalgic moment to walk down memory lane. I find it just as applicable today as the day I wrote it.

Dating adivice for singles during the holidays - dating coach mn

Take a moment to walk in the shoes of a single person this holiday season

This past week I have been tying up behind the scenes loose ends to some products I am about to launch and a speaking engagement I have booked in Oct. In times like this I see the passion for my dating business explode and in an odd way even though I am sitting at my desk almost recluse like the universe seems to hear the inner thoughts or the passion in my key strokes.

Tuesday out of the blue I received a call from a complete stranger who was interested in setting up an appointment to speak to me about my coaching services. Through some phone tag we connected and that is when I found myself engaging in a passion filled conversation with an amazing single women who is doing SO MANY things right. She has spent thousands of dollars on matchmaking services hoping for a quick fix and for someone else to do the work for her. What’s ironic about that to me is she has a personality that will light up a room as soon as she walks into it. In order for her to find what she is looking for, she herself needs to be out there engaging the single scene.

She is a confident, highly successful lady that understands much about dating and relationships. She is near her 50’s with energy of a late 30 to early 40 year old. She has traveled the world, is well educated, and has built a business empire that I sense in a humble manner she is very proud of. She is a proud mother, grandmother, really seems to understand men and has a very healthy appreciation for them. She almost has it all. What’s missing? A boyfriend or husband you may say…yes that would be true seeing that is what she is seeking but it is more then that.

In this conversation with a person that I can best describe as a slightly altered 50 yr old me I came quick to realize she is covering up what at one point and time, I, myself, many of my single friends, and my clients try to cover up. She is ashamed she is single. I know some of you are thinking, “that’s just plane silly” to which I have to agree and disagree with.

Being single is not something someone needs you to ‘fix’ for them

Since Tuesday this has gnawed at me because truly it is silly, it is silly that we have a society that has cultivated such a pressure to be in relationships. We cast judgments on people based on if they are in a relationship or not and find it our business to ask them things like, “what’s wrong with you” or “why are you single I just don’t understand” and even better yet, my all time 2 favorites…”when are you going to find someone already and settle down” or the prize winner “when are you getting married”. It is my guess if they felt it was a persons business then they probably would go to them directly and confide in them. What is ironic about this is the majority of our population is “single” but even though they are the majority they still feel like they are the minority.

As I have been deeply pondering this, the shame goes far deeper then our societal pressure. What I see far to often happening is the feelings that can accompany a person along their journey to finding someone is hidden deep in their feelings of shame. There is loneliness to which we are all told is a bad feeling to feel. There is a value and self worth we place on ourselves based on if we are in a relationship or not. Typically when we are enjoying dating and are being successful at it we have a sense of value and self worth but as time goes on we start to devalue ourselves due to “failed” relationships and living up to expectations. Each night when we all put are head upon a pillow we know if there is someone right next to us or not and that has an impact.

Don’t add to their pressure

When you are single there is a pressure that is spoken and unspoken about how you are suppose to be “normal” or like everyone else and be in a relationship with someone. Sadly the pressure that is placed upon you by anyone else in the world is not nearly as harsh as you place upon yourself late at night or on those holidays when you are sitting alone in heart but in a room filled with others. This is the dark side of being single that no one wants to talk about and yet it is at its deepest core one of the things that makes us human and far to often misunderstood.

Very delicately to the lovely lady on the other side of the phone I shared with her that it would be my honor to work with her but that I would ask a few things of her. I asked her to give herself permission that it is ok to be single (for the most part she is a very healthy, stable single women) and to release herself of the shame she feels for being so. I told her to be proud that she is fighting to find something realistic but amazing vs settling for something less then what she deserves. It takes time and strategy to accomplish what she wants and that is ok. Part of that fight is feeling the unpleasant feelings but never, ever should she or anyone else feel ashamed of being single or the feelings that can come with it. (I would give this advice to any singles I know who can identify with what she has been feeling) Their was a huge sigh of relief and through a teared filled voice she opened up some more and thanked me. I wanted nothing more then to reach through the phone and give her a great big hug.

Will you walk in their shoes and not your own?

I am confident that with our combined efforts she will meet someone amazing by Christmas. This is wonderful and fills me with excitement, but what about the hundreds or thousands of singles out there just like her. Who has their back? Is it you? I am not meaning will you set them up, lift their spirits, find them who you think they will be perfect with (which ironically most of the time is the type of person you are drawn to – just an interesting tidbit)…no that is not what I am talking about.

What I am talking about is will you take the time to truly walk in their shoes. Will you listen to them share in times of struggle and happiness. Although it is tough will you simply stand by their side when they go through those moments of struggle, not pushing them in your directions but support them in traveling theirs? Will you not press them to live a dating or relationship life you think is right for them. Will you help give them permission to live the dating and relationship life it is they desire?

With the holidays fast approaching singles around the world are going to need you to walk in their shoes are you up for the challenge?

What I would like you to do right now

Step 1: Like on Facebook

Step 2: Share on Facebook if you have any friends, family or co-works that you feel would benifit from my message here

Step 3: Share below how you are going to give support to the single people in your life these next couple of weeks.

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Dating CoachKK, Kimberly Koehler is the leading dating and relationship coach in Minneapolis, MN who helps men and women globally. As a renowned coach and professional speaker I bring you practical and applicable strategies and solutions to the most common dating and relationship struggles. Date smarter, have stronger relationship and join me as we navigate the dating and relationship maze.

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