Q&A with KK: Am I wrong about my OkCupid Date?

Am I wrong about my OkCupid Date?


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Dear KK,

I started to receiving messages from this girl I find very attractive on OkCupid.  We both like Doctor Who so I thought, “Awesome! Something that we both like and can talk about with one another” so I of course message her back.

This goes on for about a good week with our messages becoming increasingly longer and longer with each post so I suggest we chat on Facebook. She agrees and we start chatting there. Eventually I ask her out, to which she says yes, and we meet for coffee.

At this point things start going south. While the meeting was rather nice she was exactly how I expected her to be. She spent a good 40% of the time talking about her ‘ex-boyfriend’ and how much he whined. This is raising quite a few red flags in my head but I stick with it.

After the date I walked her to her place of work as her shift was about to start. I gave her a hug goodbye and we agreed it would be good to go out again. We messaged each other over Facebook chatting and I tried to set up another date but she stopped replying. I waited a day with no reply and send her another message. She then unfriends and blocks me from her account.

She was still on OkCupid so I sent her a message saying, “That’s a real jerk move to not only not reply to any of my messages but to then defriend me on facebook too. Whatever happened to a message?” to which I get the reply, “I don’t have to explain myself to you or to anyone. People are jerks and I decided to be one to you even though I hate being a jerk. Leave me alone.”

Is it just me or is that an incredibly bitchy thing to do?

– Ditched


Ask a dating question, Dating advice, dating coach, dating services, dating tips Ditched,

Sorry this has happened to you.

Could she have handled herself differently … I think that’s clear and no one would dispute that however there is much more going on here that I think you should consider.

Don’t Get Emotionally Attached Before Meeting Someone

It seems there was a lot of time invested upfront talking and getting to know this girl which in it of itself sounds like a GREAT idea but really it is a BAD idea. The reason I say this is from how you share your story and how you behaved after the date you seemed to have gotten somewhat invested and attached long before even going on a date. This is one of the greatest mistakes made by online daters.

Should you be excited to go out with someone… absolutely! The way you shared and behaved after the date express you went into the date with some very high expectations of her liking you and you already having some sort of further romantic notions that this was the women for you.

The Goal is to Meet Online and it to Offline

Online dating is a tool for introductions. It is a tool that allows you to exchange some messages but the entire concept is to meet online to then date offline. They have messaging systems for you to break the ice but not to have long drawn out communications with someone that can turn into mini dates for someone.

For whatever her choice was to let you into her FB world before you ever met did not mean she needed to keep you there after you met. Whatever conversations lead to the date did not mean she needed to speak to you ever again after the date.

Concentrate On the Things You Can Control and Let Go of Those You Cannot

Would it have been more kind of her to tell you while out on the date or afterwards that she didn’t feel the two of you clicking or that maybe she wasn’t ready to date…. yes! Yet, she didn’t and for whatever those reasons are she does not need to explain them to you. She has the right to not like you just as much as you have the right not like the next person you don’t like. Could she have handled it better, absolutely but you can’t control that.

Dating Advice, Dating Tip, Don't be facebook friends till you are in a relationship

Don’t become Facebook Friends until you have been dating for a couple months

You were unwilling to accept her not being interested in you because you became to emotionally attached before every meeting her. When she didn’t respond to your first message you started to disrespect her space by continuing to message her. She had every right to remove you from FB and block you as I am guessing she felt annoyed by your constant disrespect for her silence which she felt was a direct message (and is) that she does not have any further interest at this time. Should she tell you this … yes but she chose not to. You pushing her further is a bad on your side not hers.

When you then took it a step further by sending your message to her on the system it became a dick move on your part. Your actions after the date spoke more than any action prior to the date.

Needy, Clingy, Insecure Never Gets The Girl

When men or women react like you did it sends a message that they are needy, clingy, insecure, lonely and way to invested. Now I am not saying this is you but it more than likely is the message you sent her which may have lead to a further lack of attraction for you. Confident grounded people move quicker, don’t get overly invested before meeting someone and can handle someone’s lack of interest with grace.

 My advice for the future

Exchange a few emails on the system and move off the system to have a quick phone date (10 to 15 min) and then ask the person out on the phone if you are still interested in them. Do not invest a lot of upfront time to help yourself from avoiding becoming too attached before meeting someone.

Be prepared for people not being attracted to you. Does it feel like rejection and does it hurt… yes it can but the quicker you can develop the understanding that it truly is not personal that you simply are not what that person believes is right for them the better online dating will work for you.

Ask people out on a real second date at the end of the first date not just “let’s do this again.” Understand many people will agree because they don’t have the skills to be able to tell you NO, not interested. If they ignore you 99% of the time they are not interested… let it go and move on.

Don’t get fixated on just one person.

Be better than the last email you sent her. Being a person who acts with dignity even when others are not is a very attractive quality.

Good luck!

Dating Coach MN, Dating CoachKK, Dating Advice, Dating Services, Dating Tips


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Dating CoachKK, Kimberly Koehler is the leading dating and relationship coach in Minneapolis, MN who helps men and women globally. As a renowned coach and professional speaker I bring you practical and applicable strategies and solutions to the most common dating and relationship struggles. Date smarter, have stronger relationship and join me as we navigate the dating and relationship maze.

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