Avoid This Man’s Mistake that Cost Him a First Date Invitation

Steve was at an art gallery opening and he met a very lovely high school teacher we will call Amanda.  They both are in their 20’s.  Steve thought she was very nice and could see the passion she has for teaching.  Amanda and Steve spoke for about an hour and really developed a rapport so they made plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then things took a dramatic turn. There was a pause in the conversation and Steve commented that she has a “really nice, hourglass figure”. Amanda became deeply offended. She said, “Excuse me? Why are you talking about my figure?” Steve went into damage control mode and tried to clarify his comment but only exacerbated things as Amanda rolled her eyes and shook her head (particularly when he compared her to Kim Kardashian in appearance). Amanda told Steve he was being “inappropriate” and then said she was “very disappointed” and walked away. Amanda then came back to Steve with a very disgusted look and slapped him. Then she left.  (I don’t condone Amanda hitting Steve and will write more about this in a future post)

Steve contacted me for advice. He felt horrible about the evening and was wondering what he should do. He was very confused at what went wrong and why. Steve really liked Amanda and felt bad for upsetting her.

At the point the coffee date was set up they should have drawn an end to the conversation in short order. Both were excited at that moment and they looked forward to a future conversation. By staying in the conversation longer Steve crashed and burned.

Far to often both men and women stay in a conversation to long and this is where things can take a turn for the worse. To avoid this you want to keep your conversations short, 30 to 45 minutes. By going to events or doing an activity you are able to keep a conversation light and use the activity as your conversation piece. You can ask their opinions on things that are going on around you and when they ask you a question back you will want to keep your response to under 2 minutes while watching for signs that they are interested; if you are losing their interest draw your comment to an end. At the end of your response ask them a question back. This allows for a conversation to run smoothly and for neither party to dominate the conversation.

Steve’s compliment is tough because there are many women that would be very flattered, while others would be very offended like Amanda was. This is very confusing for men because they are very visual and with our society not being very good at giving and receiving compliments to begin with, the natural compliments guys give are usually what they notice with their eyes.

What Steve was trying to do was to tell her he thought she was beautiful. He was trying to personalize his compliment to her and he fell flat on his face. Instead his compliment was too specific about Amanda’s physical appearance, too soon and by Amanda’s reaction it is clear she felt objectified. She no longer felt like he was attracted to her for her intelligence and personality but rather he wanted her for her body. Sadly, this was not the case.

In dating it is critical that both men and women master the art of giving and receiving compliments.  I find usually the most botched compliments to be the most genuine. The other person is nervous and they are sincerely trying to show you they are paying attention and they are interested in you. If you were to receive a botched complement you should smile, look them in the eye, place your hand on their arm or hand long enough to simply say thank you. Then either compliment them back and show them how it’s done or simply ask them for their opinion. This will calm their nerves and you will move past it. When you master the art of giving and receiving compliments you show the world that you are confident and confidence is sexy!

Steve was very disappointed in himself because he truly was drawn to Amanda’s passion for teaching and intelligence. He wished he could turn back the clock, so he could be enjoying a cup of coffee with Amanda and share another great conversation.  Much to Steve’s credit, like many of my clients, he reached out to me to understand where he went wrong. Steve even took his efforts one step further and wrote Amanda an apology.

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Dating CoachKK, Kimberly Koehler is the leading dating and relationship coach in Minneapolis, MN who helps men and women globally. As a renowned coach and professional speaker I bring you practical and applicable strategies and solutions to the most common dating and relationship struggles. Date smarter, have stronger relationship and join me as we navigate the dating and relationship maze.
  1. This is an interesting story, but Steve isn’t the only one who made a mistake. Amanda made several herself. First, she had the choice of taking his attempt at a compliment for what it was rather than reading more into it. She didn’t need to be offended. But she was, and that’s unfortunate. Granted, Steve was clumsy, but her reaction was way out line with his clumsiness.

    But Amanda’s bigger mistake was when she went out of her way to slap him. Technically, that’s assault. Not only is it illegal, it’s stupid. It sends the wrong message — that getting physical with someone who said something you didn’t like is okay. Is this really the message women want to send men, that it’s okay to hit people? Maybe it’s only okay for women to hit people?

    Steve was young and naive. That goes with being young. But from this story, I think Steve is best off without Amanda. She has more growing up to do than Steve does.

  2. Joe,

    Thank you for the comment! I have been hope to bump into you at an event sometime.

    I look at a story like this and break it down into 2 stories. One being the one I was asked to comment on and share my knowledge and then the other side, which is what your comment pertains more to.

    I agree that Amanda could have responded differently and in no way condone her slapping Steve. I have a blog post that is scheduled to come out next week that covers Amanda’s response.

    I share much of the same opinion you do.

    Thanks again for your comment!

    Steve, wrote to me to ask what happened and why. That was the point of this blog. In no way was this blog wrote to pick on Steve, I actually feel bad for him because his heart and spirit were in the right place.

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