Ask the Expert: What the hell does “I’m too Strong” mean?

Ask The Expert Question:

Dating Coach KK,

“I have been told by some men that they do not find me attractive because I am a strong, intelligent woman who doesn’t really need a man. Even if that’s true, wouldn’t that be MORE appealing? That I enter a relationship because I WANT a man in my life, not because I do so out of necessity? What’s wrong with this picture?”


Dating Coach KK’s Answer:


Thank you for writing in and asking your question.

I would have to observe you for about 3 to 5 minutes to see what traits you are executing as “strong” behavior.  Depending on what trait it is, you may possibly be offended by my answer. I in no way mean to be offensive, but you asked and I am giving you the honest answer.

If you live in Minnesota you may know we are the land of “polite” and speak in code. Most Minnesotans will speak indirectly and often times cut off their own nose in order to not have to be direct and honest about what they mean.   Men are using this word as a cop out from really telling you the true undesirable behavior that you are exhibiting. Is this fair, no. If you are like me you would want to improve yourself by receiving constructive criticism that would help lead you to the dating life you desire. Men do like a sincerely strong women that have their strengths well balanced.

Strong Can Mean:

  • Brash
  • Obnoxious
  • Overbearing
  • Consistently exuding emasculating behavior
  • Controlling
  • Unapproachable
  • Exuding unavailable behavior
  • Head strong
  • Lack of vulnerability
  • Behavior of a “know it all”
  • A women who has built substantial amount of walls
  • and the list could go on….

I personally have had several of the traits above off kilter in the past that I have had to learn to reel them in. I do not feel any less of a person rather I feel far more balanced.

Men are men, they are hunters by design. Since the beginning of time they have been very simple creatures and are the providers. They have been needed and they have been the one that women have turned to, to survive. As we have evolved, women have become self sufficient and very independent. Men want to be your lover, they want to be your companion, and they want to know that you will value what they will provide you.  If they think they have no value to you what so ever, they will not be drawn to you. Worse yet is when women simply scare them away by “strong” behavior which happens far to often.

I would encourage you to spend some time to sincerely do a self evaluation and check to see what balance you have in the above areas. It only takes one trait above that is off balance to turn men off or send them running for the hills. One of the best ways to balance these traits is to incorporate more of the opposite of these traits into your personality. Identify the triggers that bring out the less favorable traits. With deliberate intent, practice responding in a more favorable manner, even if that means holding back your opinion at first. Also, remember it is not always what you say but most often how you say it.

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Dating CoachKK, Kimberly Koehler is the leading dating and relationship coach in Minneapolis, MN who helps men and women globally. As a renowned coach and professional speaker I bring you practical and applicable strategies and solutions to the most common dating and relationship struggles. Date smarter, have stronger relationship and join me as we navigate the dating and relationship maze.
  1. Hey, you’re the go to expert. Thanks for hanging out here.

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